Ahhh, debate season. The time of year when people who have already made up their minds tune in to make fun of the other candidate’s hair and verbal missteps. Democracy at its finest.
Let’s be honest with each other: If you are reading this sentence without moving your lips, chances are you can effectively articulate the differences between Jim Talent and Claire McCaskill. Good for us — we clearly come from a gene pool deeper than the percentage of those who can’t seem to distinguish between these two very different candidates.
Let’s leave the serious news to johncombest.com, and let’s leave the serious post-debate analysis to the poli sci professors and assorted dorkchops who are paid to tell us what we just saw with our own two eyes.
Like a company picnic, or my last relationship, I figure tonight’s televised Talent-McCaskill debate in St. Louis (and the ones that will follow in Springfield and KC) will be much easier to tolerate if we’re drinking the whole time. (Unfortunately, Sunday’s Meet the Press debate began at 8 a.m., which is too early to start drinking, even for an Irishman.)
Here are the ground rules:
– I’m not responsible for your actions. Like the good folks at Anheuser-Busch, who insisted that their Bud Pong was meant to be played with water, I am not encouraging the consumption of beer or any other delicious, refreshing adult beverage.
– Be smart. “One drink” means “one sip”, but no self-respecting man describes any form of liquid consumption as the latter, so I’m using the former. If you’re drinking a mixed drink or some kind of liquor straight up, adjust the “drink” intake accordingly.
– Don’t be a pansy. As my old roommate, the legendary C.T., liked to say: “It’s a drinking game. You’re supposed to drink.” (He also coined the motto, “It’s not binge drinking if you do it every night,” so follow his maxims at your own risk.)
With no further ado, what we’re watching for and the damage to be done:
1.) Jim says, “Missour-uh”: 1 drink
2.) Jim slips and says, “Missour-ee”: 3 drinks
3.) Jim says, “bipartisan”: 3 drinks
4.) Claire says, “oil”: 3 drinks
5.) Jim says, “I mean…”: 3 drinks
6.) Claire says, “You know…”: 3 drinks
7.) Jim says, “Look…”: 3 drinks
8.) Claire forces a smile when you know she’s really pissed: 3 drinks
9.) Claire gives us her trademark wide-eyed expression, the one that says, “I’m thrilled to be answering this question!”: 2 drinks
10.) Claire gives us her other trademark expression, the SUPER-wide-eyed look that says, “Behind this podium, I’m receiving my very first prostate exam!”: 4 drinks
11.) Jim reinforces the image of Claire as a down-balloter by calling her “the state auditor”: 2 drinks
12.) Jim engages in “up-talk” — the self-defeating habit of raising one’s verbal pitch at the end of a sentence, turning what should be a strong, declarative statement into a weak request for approval: 2 drinks
13.) Claire mentions the name of a Republican (Jack Danforth, John McCain, etc.): 5 drinks
14.) Jim mentions the name of a Democrat (Dianne Feinstein, Ron Wyden, etc.): 5 drinks
15.) Jim or Claire begin to answer a question by going back to a previous question: 5 drinks
16.) Jim or Claire attribute a folksy saying to a relative: Finish your drink
17.) Jim or Claire mention a Missourian’s name (”I think of Flo Fertility, who works 9 jobs to support her 11 kids…”): Finish your drink
18.) Jim or Claire mention a suburb of the city in which they’re debating: Finish your drink
19.) A member of your group speculates on how hot Claire was when she was in college: 5 drinks
20.) A member of your group says he thinks Claire looks hot tonight: Finish your drink and call him a cab
BOTTOMS UP!
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